Thursday, 7 January 2016

Dysregulation Hangover

I had a hangover once when I was 15. I remember vividly the subtle blend of seasickness, feeling like I'd been  hit in the face with a frying pan and of someone using my mouth as an ashtray.

It was a profound moment, I thought this is hellish I'm not doing that again.
So I haven't been drunk or had a hangover since and I have no intention of ever feeling like that again. Mrs Cs happy I'm always the designated driver. You could say I'm a control freak I prefer to think of myself as dull.

To be honest I was feeling quite optimistic and hopeful about 2016.  Lots of plans and schemes for the new year. Then like a rolling storm it all unraveled in glorious widescreen technicolor with dolby surround sound.

It arrived like a Catherine wheel of emotions, arms and legs flailing, insults spewed and threats made. The whole house kicked in the emotional teeth, things broke, threats made and bags packed, we were all impacted by the magnitude, if you weren't directly involved you heard it. The blue touch paper had smouldered for a day in the lead up,  then this Catherine wheel went off and lasted a couple of hours at it's height.

Mrs C tag teamed me after a few hours and brought it down,  it was over, wailing, sobbing, shower and bed. I say over though the sparks and fire had gone the dysregulation hangover was left.

We're emotionally and physically drained. Then we have an enquiry, what was the cause, could we, should we have seen it coming. But what had lit the touch paper and set off the raaaaaagh? It could have been the build up to Christmas, the lack of routine, the Xbox, the sugar overdose, the lack of exercise, the present jealousy, the this and the that.
I'm tired of trying to work it out, overanalysing.

Who said what and who did what. The scuffle, the kicking, the punching,  the argy bargy. I'd rather not talk about it, I'd rather not think about it but Mrs C and I did. I'm tired of trying to make sense of the senseless.



So, the next the dysregulation hangover remains, we move delicately around the house. I've put work back a day, it's raining outside and a delicate peace hovers inside.

I choose my first words and tone carefully.

'Get lost' is the reply.

I walk away, to tired to fight, nervous, are we going to play this out again?

My body aches from the argy bargy, the tension, the raaaagh, my heart aches from the argy bargy, the tension and the raaaaagh. I think about the future the whats and ifs. It's ok now but what about in a year or five or ten? The hope and expectation I'd had for the year have dissolved and worry and tension lays like a blanket over us all, we become a one narrative family.

We get through the day without incident.

Like all hangovers, it lifts, slowly but surely, 12, 24, 36 hours and we dare to feel better.
I have no intention of ever doing that again but I'm afraid this one is out of my control.

9 comments:

  1. Hang on, hang on and hang on some more. What do your yp need? They need you! There for them!

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    Replies
    1. I have steeled myself to hang. ;-)

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  2. We longed for you. We dreamed about you. We waited for you.
    And then you came. You made us complete.
    You brought love and happiness and laughter into our home and made it your home.
    You grew in our hearts and we grew in yours.
    We were blessed and grateful.
    We belonged together.
    We were a family.
    Always and Forever.

    In our hearts we knew that part of us was always meant for you.
    We shared so much joy. We played. We held each other.
    We read stories and made our own stories together.
    And our love grew and grew.
    We belonged together.
    We were a family.
    Always and Forever.

    But we did not know. How could we know?
    That pain, and grief, and the echoes of the past cannot be healed by love.
    No matter how great.
    Or so we thought.
    The bright sunshine of the early years clouded over. And there came much rain.
    So much rain we almost drowned. All of us.
    But we belonged together.
    We were a family.
    Always and Forever.

    But somehow we swam, and we found some others. And they gave us a boat, with a roof, and some oars.
    And then we were moving forward.
    And instead of looking down at our feet, we were looking up to the sky.
    And behind the rain we could see the rainbow and behind the rainbow we could see the sunshine again.
    And we were still in each other’s arms and each other’s hearts.
    We belonged together.
    We were a family.
    Always and Forever.

    But the storm did not pass.
    And our love was tested over and over.
    And sometime the boat rocked from side to side. And sometimes you fell right out.
    But we picked you up again. And calmed your fears and dried your tears.
    We were there for you. And you were waiting for us.
    And though we doubted many times, we kept faith.
    We belonged together.
    We were a family.
    Always and Forever.

    And even now.
    Sometimes the nights are dark. Black as pitch.
    But if we look hard, really hard, we can see the guiding stars. Steadfast.
    And we think about how wrong we were.
    Love has depths we never imagined.
    And powers so great that they reach us from Heaven.
    Love conquers all. And builds all. You are the labour of our hearts.
    Our precious child.
    Without us, what would you be?
    Without you, where would we be?
    We belong together.
    We are a family.
    Always and Forever.

    And soon you will need a boat of your own.
    We will help you build it.
    And the others, who also love us and love you, will help you build it.
    And we will launch it together.
    And you will set sail.
    Knowing that you are loved.
    And love will make you strong.

    Days may not be fair.
    Your boat will rock from side to side.
    But we will pull alongside, and others will pull alongside and help you stay on course.
    And you will be free. And happy. And loved.
    And we will remember all the miracles we have seen.
    And love is the greatest of them all.
    Reach out and take it. It is the easiest and the hardest thing to do.
    Our precious child.
    Our Blessing and our Gift.

    We belong together.
    We are a family.
    Always and Forever.

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    Replies
    1. Gosh, that poem's quite lovely

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    2. That's fantastic is it your own? Please DM me as I'd like to post it on it's own but would like to credit you, if you wish!

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  3. I know the dysregulation hangover so well. I think I learned to avoid real hangovers much quicker!

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    1. I wish I could find the cure. Thanks for the comment.

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  4. You say all the things that are running around in my head that I can't put into words. You help me make sense of them. Thank you!

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    Replies
    1. It's heartwarming to think that we're not alone, it's encouraging that I'm not just shaking my fist at the sky.

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