F**K OFF!!!! I hate you!
Looking through steely stubborn eyes. I survey the situation. Anger boils and curls through my body. Inside my mind shouts expletives. "F***er , you little f***er!"
"I hate you you little pathetic s**t!". I'm looking at my little sister as she gets a cuddle from a family visitor whose just arrived.
Why am I so angry, let me explain.
As I look at the lovely scene in front of me, I know all I am going to do is mess up. I have known this since I found out my mum's friend was coming (three days ago). I knew I would be the one that will let myself down, the one that will bring shame on my family. It will be me that has to try cope with the mess. whatever mess it is that I will make. I know I will make one, it's what I do; I am so predictable. It's all so bloody pointless my anger flies around bubbling like an uncontrollably firework.
My mum tells me to "calm down".
"Calm down! Calm down!"
I want to scream back!
"why are you doing this to me?"
"Why are you putting me in this situation, you know I can't do this! I'm rubbish!"
"Why do you always do this! Don't come near me I hate you! I hate you!" But I don't say anything. I know that's wrong and my attitude is wrong.
My mind is seething "Why are you letting this happen to me, YOU HATE ME!"
Miserably I try to communicate, I try to assemble some right ways of creating sentences. I fight trying to overcome all the "little f***ers and fireworks that are assaulting and drowning me. I must find good words, good words to say. I must use my words, not my fists.
All I that comes out though are angry words. Words I have never even heard or thought before but yet find flying out of my mouth.
"I don't like your friend! I HATE YOUR FRIEND!".
"I wish you had no friends!"
For good measure my hand flies across the air and knocks a glass of water off the garden table. Instantly, as the water hits the floor and everyone gasps, misery floods me.
Now I hate me. I hate me more than anything you can image. In the same moment I'm also being told just how horrid I actually am by my protector parent for not saying hello nicely like my sister and making a scene and ruining it for everybody.
I give up and am completely broken. No one notices this as I'm sent away from the situation and placed in the kitchen.
From here I can see my sister getting another hug from the newly arrived visitor. It hurts, as if my rib cage may crack under the pressure.
I wanted a hug! I want what she just always gets without trying. I want to be out there with them all drinking cool drinks in the sun. I hate my sister! She never does anything wrong!
- I hate the fact she's so "cute"!
- I hate the fact my protector parent can't see me as "cute"!
- I hate the fact that even if they did see me as cute I would not be able to receive that comfort that safety. I'd probably wallop them for trying.
- I will never be like her.
- I always ruin everything that's nice.
- There's no point trying to hug me or read a story to me I'm to angry,
- I don't sit still.
- Now more than ever I hate myself. I hate this life and I hate people. I hate everything I am hate! I am anger! I am rubbish! And I am not nor never will be huggable. I will never have the very thing I want because I am me. I'm not sure how to handle all this emotion flying around me. I realise to my horror that I have been a scratching a knife deep into the kitchen table.
I don't know what to do, where to go. Oh please please let me disappear really quickly. Concrete fills my body and I jump up on the table to sit over the gash.
My mum's friend comes on to fill up her glass with water. "Hello Carwen, how are you?"
All I can do is hang my head as I'm unable to reply, everything is to horrible for words.
"Answer my friend Carwen", shouts my mum from the garden; I am still speechless. I know what I'm hiding and black hopeless doom is drenching me. I wish I was dead.
"Oh ignore her, she's feeling sorry for herself" my mum shouts at her friend, "she can stay there until she learns to have manners".
I ruin everything for everybody.
I am a horrible nasty little spiteful little girl.