Churchill Fellowship - pt 4 TimeZones

Like a man adrift from the wonders of modern technology I'm kicking myself only now realising I can set my laptop to show me different timezones. I'm embarrassed to tell you the number of times I've sat infront of my computer Googling 'what time is it in..........' then to do a sum with the aid of my fingers. Thank goodness my biggest time leap has only been 10 hours so far (actually, it was 9 but we survived).

The juxtaposition of speaking to someone at the other side of the world as they woke for the day and then the call ending and me creeping upstairs to crawl into bed in the week hours had been peculiar. During the night information and insight dance to their own tune and I confess to being inspired in the small hours only to wake in the morning to see inspiration dampened in the cold light of day. Some of those late night conversations are almost like fever dreams, I confess to being a morning person! 

I've been constantly surprised at the generosity of all those that have spoken to me, resources have been shared and we've sometimes shared the same language and sometimes not. It's clear that different context, cultures and countries have so much insight into the challenges faced by families caring for children with challenging behaviour and many of the themes that you'd recognise from the UK are present. However, approaches and perspectives on that may differ. 

Themes are emerging and sharpening, new ideas developing but we were encouraged by the Fellowship team to take time to reflect on the conversations and not to rush to draw it all together. So, with only a few more interviews planned it's time to re listen to the interviews and rest for a while. 

  

The Churchill Fellowship - Update 3 (Down the rabbit hole)

"Oh, you need to speak to someone I know in................."

Now I've started speaking to people for real I feel like Alice in Wonderland disappearing down the rabbit hole, in a good way of course. 

When all us Fellows met in July we were told of the serendipity that often occurred when meeting people who would then open the door to someone who would be able to open another and so on. 

Well, it's clear that doing the Fellowship online puts that serendipity on steroids. Over the last 10 days I've spoken to the US thrice, Canada once, been pointed back to Ireland, hopped over to New Zealand and directed to Australia and back to the US. Each person is generous in relation to the time and energy they give me, also they have all agreed to be recorded as part of my 'audio appendices'.

Themes are starting to emerge across cultures, what families want and what they can have. Who is doing the work and if they're in the system outside of it. 

I'm taking a little time off now then back to the US and perhaps a little sojourn into Europe. 

Thank you to all everyone who has given their time so far. If you've a contact in some far flung land or closer to home then do email me at info@alcoates.co.uk

PS. I can't be too sure but think I was speaking to someone in Mexico this week, they were definitely Mexican though. I should have asked. 

Safeguarding Families In Adoption Online Conference 24th Sept 9:30 to 1pm

 

Safeguarding Families In Adoption Online Conference 24th Sept 9:30 to 1pm

Involvement with safeguarding systems is difficult for all families and can often be stressful upsetting and incredibly challenging. Of course, we need systems to keep children safe but many adoptive (and Foster, SGO and Kinship) families find that children who have lived thought early adversity, are incredibly vulnerable and have been through the Looked after System can often be drawn back into safeguarding processes. Services can struggle to manage the complexity and many families feel that the system need to be reconsidered understanding all that is known. 

So,

Join Fiona Wells, founder or PATCH, and me for a virtual event focused on safeguarding families in the adoption on 24th September 2024 9:30 to 1pm. We will be considered in current practice, impacts on parents and children and future practice. It will all be recorded and available afterwards and even if you can only join us for a short period you're welcome. 

 You can book tickets here. 

Speakers

Sarah Johal MBE - National Adoption Strategic Lead for Adoption England

Vicki McKeown - Social worker & Psychotherapeutic Counsellor

Fiona Wells - Adoptive Parent, Adult Adoptee, Social Worker & Author of the "Adoption Crisis' Report and founder of PATCH

Al Coates MBE - Adoptive parent, Social Worker and Founder of the Adoption & Fostering Podcast

The event will be recorded and available to listen to afterwards if you can't make the whole morning.

Background

A significant number of households formed through adoption often struggle to care for and manage the needs of their children. These struggles often escalate into crises, with parents finding it difficult to support their children and manage their complex needs and behaviors. During these challenging times, the support systems in place can fall short.

This online event aims to explore the context surrounding these issues, identifying and examining fundamental factors and consideration of how the adoption system and family support services can better respond to all members of the family. The goal is to ensure that families are kept safe, strengthened, and able to maintain positive home environments.

You can book tickets here. 

The Churchill Fellowship - Update 2

So, rubber is hitting the road and my first interview is arranged! Oh, it was all fun and games now it seems really real. 

I'm in a Churchill Fellowship WhatsApp group and one Fellow has already left the country, it's like a peculiar version of the Whacky Races.  

Anyway, there seems to be a lot of preparation that needs to be done. Mainly getting a clear consent form drafted up and watertight. You'd think after nearly 500 episodes of the Fostering & Adoption Podcast I'd have one in place but we've done it all on a spit and a handshake so far and there's only been one wobble and that wasn't from a guest! So, I've been in touch with the boffins at Coram and they pointed me in the right direction. 

The breaking news is that I've arranged my first interview so that's focusing the mind for sure. What are the right questions and whereas in other interviews I let the interviewees take the lead this is a new day and I need to drill down quick and get the info that I need. So, that's a new skill to grow. 

Slightly concerning is that a few leads have been open and honest that there's a dearth of support for families living with challenging and aggressive behaviour their country. Of course, this comes as no surprise but does chill my heart in terms of what I will find as I step out into the world. 

Slightly surprising is the direction that the breadcrumbs have taken me with leads growing in Germany and maybe Cambodia. Well they weren't on the list but this is the beauty of the online world. 

So, first county on my list of is Canada! 

The Churchill Fellowship - Update no. 1

Forgive me but I thought that I'd keep up a 'Churchill update blog' to chart my plans, progress and thoughts. So, if that's nor your cup of tea then feel free to ignore. Of course, I'm happy to answer any questions or comments and if you've got any insight or contacts then please do let me know. Either comment on the blog or you can email me at info@alcoates.co.uk.

It was all fun and games and then TCF* said; 'yes'.  So, after all the forms, planning, promises and pondering the rubber appears to be hitting the road.

I've been collecting names, emails and screenshots of LinkedIn/X/Facebook posts writing them down in a fancy new notebook. I think that I'm trying to start with the end in sight and that's slowing things down. I can literally arrange and undertake video calls pretty quickly but, against my usual nature, I've pushed them back to the end of the summer.

Firstly,  I want to be sure of what I'm asking. Yes, the issue of supporting parents and carers of children with care experience** to manage children's violent or aggressive behaviour is a universal one. Or at least it appears to be but the language and how that is conceptualised differs across countries, professionals and families. I need to be sure that we're talking about the same thing. 

Secondly,  TFC were clear the report that we produce should be in a format that suits the audience that the report is intended for. It does not have to be a written report so I've decided to write a summary but to put most of it into a couple of podcasts. That creates a new challenge, I need consent forms that are up to the job, so I've linked into the helpful bods at CorumBAAF who are helping TCF. 

Finally, the thought has crossed my mind that I may struggle to find that many 'innovators, experts and shining lights on hills' in this sphere so I'm coming up with a contingency. Finding a lack of support is a finding in of itself and not without merit. 

So, that was this week, in the meantime, if you know of any international shining lights in the sphere of supporting parents and carers please do get in touch!

A new note book

* The Churchill Fellowship

** Care experienced is the focus of the TFC this year. That includes children returning to their families from Care, children in Special Guardian or Kinship arrangements or adopted children. 

I've been awarded a Churchill Fellowship!

So, what on earth does that mean? 

For several years I’ve bumped into ‘Churchill Fellows’ in different places here and there and the short answer is that the Fellowship is:        

“to connect to leading experts internationally in a fellow’s field of interest, to gain insights and knowledge and to then use that to drive positive change in the UK.”

 

Simple, or so it seems!?

 

Born from my families experience and all of the learning, studying, research etc. I’m quite comfortable with the notion that helping families/parents/carers to support and manage their children’s challenging, violent and aggressive behaviour is my ‘field of interest’. 

 

So, the plan is simple I am going to research support and interventions offered to adoptive, kinship and foster families that are supporting children with challenging behaviour.

 

Many Fellows physically take off around the world and the Fellowship encourages and funds that but I thought long and hard and decided that as much as I’d like to travel making connections and gathering information would be best served by me doing that online. Of course, my family are disappointed but it feels like the right choice given the nature of the subject and the way families are supported. 

 

I have to produce a report and share what I find in the spring/summer of 2025 and I’ve some creative ideas as to how that could be done and once they are firmed up I’ll let you know. 

 

The Churchill Fellowship has provided me with a grant so that will help me in terms of time as well as to get the message out. 

 

Watch this space! If you know of experts/professionals/organisations supporting families (adoptive, kinship, fostering) across the world then please do email me at 

 

info@alcoates.co.uk

As always, many thanks to all the grown ups in my life that pushed me, picked me up, pointed me in the right direction and pushed me again. You know who you are.

Side Eye and an Elbow to the Ribs - Relationships and Tricky Kids

She dug him in the ribs with her elbow and he gave her the side eye. 

I ignored them, though it was clear across the room other couples were giving each other knowing, withering, disapproving, ‘see I told you that you were wrong’ looks. 

 

I’d been explaining, so one parent looks at the other and thinks: 

‘They’re far to soft on our kid, how are they going to function in the real world, I’ll tighten up some boundaries, rules and expectations to get the kid back on track.’

 

The other parent looks back and thinks:

‘They’re like a camp commandant, I’ll cut the kid a bit more slack to compensate for them, this kid needs a bit more flexibility and understanding.’

 

Slowly these positions embed, views are exacerbated by time and experience and inevitable the gap between parents gets wider. 

 

Folks have often come to my talks expecting or hoping for a magical formulae for getting complicated children to bed on time, eat their greens and stop what can be often complex, challenging, aggressive and/or violent behaviour.

 

They did not come for relationship advice or insight. But that’s where we’re at in the talk, the rib dig and side eye moment. I’d been talking about the impact on relationships of parenting complicated children. For many couples the very foundation of their relationship is significantly undermined by the complexity, relentlessness and personally challenging nature of caring for children with histories of adversity, complex trauma, neurodivergent and with complex needs. Behaviour can be complex, physically and emotionally challenging. A hairline crack in a relationship can be exacerbated to breaking point, sometimes it does break. 

 

I recall talking to an adoptive parent about the challenges of raising a child with difficult behaviour, without prompting the conversation turned to their partner.  We don’t see eye to eye any more and we can’t talk about it. We don’t argue about anything other than our child. 

 

There are no magic formulas for managing children’s challenging and aggressive behaviour, but before we get to child we need to attend to our relationship. Is it easy? no. Do I have all the answers? Nope. I do know honest conversations sometimes need to be had, sometimes with the help of professionals to reconnect us with our loved ones to agree boundaries, approaches and how to work together. 

 

As they say, a house divided against itself cannot stand.  (Abraham Lincoln. Luke 3:25)