Friday 1 August 2014

Ghosts: Pt 2

Without warning we received contact from a member of our children's birth family this week.

I guess that this is the nightmare scenario that adopters most fear, unsolicited contact.

We'd always anticipated that we would be in control and allowed to manage the process of re introduction if that was our children's choice. That we could seek professional support and carefully step back into the world that they were taken from 15 years ago.

However, modern technology has circumvented careful and considered steps and we've gone from 15 years of near silence to meeting in 4 days.

We'd prepared. We've been open and honest and painted a fair and realist a picture as we could over the years. There are no secrets in the cupboard to shock or derail.

The children have had different responses according to their own perspectives, experience and wishes. Shock, fear, delight, distress and curiosity all mixing to make a complex emotional whirlpool that we are all trying to make sense of. With the speed of developments professional support has been unfortunately left lagging.

So here we are with a new and developing journey ahead.

As young adults they have to make their own decisions, both individually and as a group, about the road forward. We can advise, support and help but we cannot walk this road. We may not agree with all the choices being made but we love our children and support them none the less.

Being honest it has been a challenge for Mrs C and I. We hurt for our children, we want to protect and guard against potential harm. But we can only walk so far with them and they must make their own decisions and walk their own path.

We all knew this day would come and it nibbles away at insecurities in our lives and casts doubt on our significance as parents and relevance for the future but we hold fast and keep loving.


  1. As we use social media to such a positive end, there it's darker side where our adopted, and all children, are concerned. I am fearful of this very scenario. It sounds like you are doing a great job to support and be there. I hope you are all managing to keep well at what must be an emotionally tumultuous time.

    Thanks for sharing on #WASO.

    1. It came as such a shock and totally out of our control. Mrs C took the reigns and we've managed to give control back to our children for now. However, information that was once just facts on paper has become flesh and blood and as such now is loaded with emotion and meaning that were not previously there. So, challenging times ahead.

  2. Oh this post made me shudder. Praying for your family.

  3. To be honest we're wandering about a bit shell shocked! Thank you for your prayers.

  4. We all walk our own journey - sometimes we share part of this journey with others, sometimes our journey will coincide for a long while with someone else's journey. Ultimately we all choose our own path, and that is right as you cannot walk a path that isn't in tune with you. This could be a really good thing and complete a missing branch for your child. I hope so, but if you can support your child to explore these new branches they will be richer for it. See it as an opportunity rather than a challenge and just trust in yourself :)

  5. I'm sure this will be a good thing, right now its a thing my children and didn't ask for and they are trying to process complex emotions and memories.
    We've anticipated that this would come and we've alway shown positive regard and promoted a balanced view. However, the challenge is managing complex emotions balanced against expectations of siblings and birth family members. Underlying all that is a story of three children brought into care. Memories and hurt run deep.

  6. It will certainly take time, and it will be challenging for everyone, but I wish the best for all of you, may you all grow through the process and come out the other end stronger and emotionally fitter, and with less hurt. Your children are lucky to have such understanding parents.

  7. Thank you.
    It is certainly a voyage of discovery.

  8. Thank you for sharing this. One of our fears too. Good luck with it. Keep us posted. x

  9. Thank you for commenting. Without doubt I shall chart the trials and tribulations.