Good question, it seemed like a big deal, the passing of something that can't be be captured again. I loved my job in construction and sat and cried on a park bench the day I left for the last time after resigning. That was nine years ago. We walked into an uncertain future, with unfamiliar landmarks and features, we hoped everything would be ok and we'd make it, whatever 'it' was. We were struggling to care for traumatised children and it was traumatising us. I knew we had five children and they would need to be the sole focus for a while and I couldn't remain in work. So I left and it felt like a catastrophic mistake of my own invention.
Some of that uncertainty from nine years ago remains, in fact it's that uncertainty feels like the one certainty. We still live moment by moment, trying to not be drawn into the drama, fear, rage, terror and anxiety. It seems pretty normal now, not bad or good it just is. I suppose its a development of what I spoke of last week, my aspirations are moderated by my circumstance. The idea of a 'career' a little absurd when home life seems so random and abstract at times.
The expiring of my certificate seems to burn a bridge, even if I wanted to I don't think I could return to that 'normal' life. I'm sure I could actually return to my old job, actually I know I could my benevolent ex employer contacted me a few weeks ago and asked if I had a little spare time to do some work. I didn't, though I was tempted.
For all the challenge and complications I like what we've got. Of course I could give you a list of things I'd alter but I still love my kids. I never anticipated the changes parenting would bring, more so the changes that adoptive parenting would bring.
It feels like the winds of change are upon us again. The needs of the children are developing and the needs of the parents are changing. I'm talking to friends about how I divide my time and where I place my energies. As they say:
'Constant change is here to stay'
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