I come from a nice family, a nice working class family from the right side of the tracks. So starting out on the process of adoption was our families first involvement with Social Workers, agents of the state, and the system. It was all 'nice biscuits and doilies' to start with, nice strangers sifting through our inner workings and life stories. We didn't mind it one bit as we had volunteered and we were ultimately in control as we could always say no. We didn't mind the odd bit of inconvenience or the odd mis step as this was the path to our desired goal, children.
So, children come and no adopter will forget the tangible feeling of utter joy as we shut the door behind the Social Worker for the last time, breathed a sigh of relief and got about the business of family.
It wasn't the end for us. We had dip our toe back into that water, the system, more like we are pushed headlong into that world. This time our choice was removed and it is no longer 'biscuits and doilies' it's voicemail, left messages, emails and meetings. I didn't realise when I stepped onto the adoption conveyor belt was that I would be negotiating 'the system' for the rest of my children's lives. Schools, Post Adoption Support, Children's Services, Police, CAHMS, CYPS and various branches of medicine, all the system. The overwhelming majority of professionals, across all disciplines, that I've gone to for help have been good and some exceptional. However, they come and go and the system feels brutal at times and perpetually set against us and the professionals that we work with. I'm sure it's not but it feels like that at times.
As parents we do what we have to do, we read policy documents and school entry guidance; write nice letters, call councillors we rant, rave, campaign and blog. All the time we're drawn into this system that is alien to most of us and we find it is woven into our lives. We become experts in policy and guidance in negotiation and advocacy all to get through the system. I'm a white middle aged professional man and people listen to me, I'm articulate and reasonable and I have agency. I know the regulations and the systems of social care (it's not an accident I'm a Social Worker). We all do what we have to do.
I worry for those who don't those that struggle, don't keep their ear to the ground, can't shout and scream, are intimidated by professionals and don't know their rights. I fear for those adoptive parents that become 'problems' to professionals and the system because they say no, or have a clash of personality or opinion. I sometimes think about how my children's parents managed it. Of course that's an impossible question but reading the files I sometimes wonder how they would describe the system that they found themselves in and if it would be very different from my description. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be 'doilies and cake'.
A bit of a rambling post.
It's interesting that this is the part of post-adoption life that prospective adopters are never given any information about (or at least we haven't so far). Do the assessment social workers know what parents have to fight against? Why isn't this shared?
ReplyDeleteI guess that it's not a certainty that it will happen and I would imagine that it could be seen as overly pessimistic. The variety of systems that you may fall into is quite diverse but perhaps the idea should be planted. I often think that Prep courses are a strange beast. Lots is said but what is being heard is a total mystery.
DeleteIn the States there is a general ignorance of the foster and adoption process. I find that many people simply cannot understand some of the fights we have to go through for our kids. I often wonder what the birth parents of our children would do if our kids were still with them. Would they be able to transport them to the counselors, doctors, and other specialists? Would they remember to follow through with medications and developmental exercises? Would they fight for the kids at school - making sure educators understood their situation and difficulties for learning?
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. Though I'm sure that our systems are different they tend to be universally tricky to negotiate regardless of who you are. Like you I wonder if my children's birth parents may have just struggled to ump through the required hoops. Sad.
DeleteThis is true for all parents, particularly with any additional need, SEN, disability mental health issues like school anxiety. I too feel for those who need a speech therapist and can't afford to go private, those who aren't articulate enough to write the email we did when turned down for 1:1 support for a child because they were waiting for an Ed Psyche assessment (which may have said many things but it wasn't going to say they didn't need the 1:1)|.
ReplyDeleteI find that it is quite a challenging issue as I've got all I need to get the system to work with me most of the time but my children's parents could not draw on similar resources. if they could or would have perhaps it would be a different story.
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