tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post2484397320447631637..comments2024-02-23T06:52:46.801+00:00Comments on Al Coates - Adoption:Fostering:Social Work: Adoption: Is it happy ever after?Al Coateshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comBlogger30125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-29456443096169072802015-06-07T09:52:00.465+01:002015-06-07T09:52:00.465+01:00Your work at the Adoption Social is essential and ...Your work at the Adoption Social is essential and I believe that you present a range and balance to those looking in. Additionally, you offer a forum for those touched by adoption to share whatever however.<br />Good work, go to the top of the class.Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-63609955133917207982015-06-07T09:49:22.871+01:002015-06-07T09:49:22.871+01:00Your story is as valid though, we need to see adop...Your story is as valid though, we need to see adoption as a spectrum of experience and though it may not make great reading it is important for us adopters, but more importantly, policy makers to know.Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-73472873258763642622015-06-07T09:47:36.041+01:002015-06-07T09:47:36.041+01:00Some times the tricky bits make the good bits so s...Some times the tricky bits make the good bits so sweet. Your blog & FB express that good work!Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-11790256783351940872015-06-07T09:43:19.073+01:002015-06-07T09:43:19.073+01:00I'll swing by and check it out!I'll swing by and check it out!Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-50386905706441204812015-06-07T09:42:49.209+01:002015-06-07T09:42:49.209+01:00Finding the joy where and when you can seems a pre...Finding the joy where and when you can seems a pretty good ethos for life!Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-13211782305805649442015-06-07T09:39:48.869+01:002015-06-07T09:39:48.869+01:00Encouraging words, thank you. As you say the numbe...Encouraging words, thank you. As you say the number of partially or unprepared adopters is alarming. I have to confess to being one of them! I think my enthusiasm got me through!Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-46015705779032613912015-06-07T09:37:37.911+01:002015-06-07T09:37:37.911+01:00Thank you for commenting. Like you some of my chil...Thank you for commenting. Like you some of my children's experience and life is settled and is framed within 'normal'. All good. But to have our eyes open will do no harm.Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-76291772718870391002015-06-07T09:35:41.640+01:002015-06-07T09:35:41.640+01:00We accept lots of stuff that isn't great and s...We accept lots of stuff that isn't great and sometimes pretty grim. However, the joy, pleasure and privilege of having them in our lives often outweighs this. It's when the scales tip that we stumble and this often inspires out tweets, blogs etc.<br />Looking forward to following you on twitter.Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-16261730465760440222015-06-04T16:57:18.051+01:002015-06-04T16:57:18.051+01:00I try to guard against some of the language that w...I try to guard against some of the language that we use as shorthand. 'Looked after Children' or 'LAC children' being ones that grate. They're children that are looked after. Pedantic? maybe but words matter.<br />Thank you for commenting.Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-4942831474497431412015-06-03T21:57:46.790+01:002015-06-03T21:57:46.790+01:00I'm a social worker in placement services, fos...I'm a social worker in placement services, fostering and adoption, it varies. Having used that term so you know what I do, I never use it in any other way, home is just fine. I hate reading profiles of children which describe their placement in jargonistic terms, adoptive or fostering. Maybe having confidence in my experience comes into it, we all use shorthand in our work, so works get us there quickly but have a glossary of terms for my current role which translates them into plain talk. Hitting developmental milestones becomes doing everything you would expect them to do at their age, attachment becomes about the quality of bond with their carers etc. HelenSparkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01482848842642209475noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-12136579433151736592015-06-01T11:30:12.509+01:002015-06-01T11:30:12.509+01:00Another view. I do hope you find your happy ending...Another view. I do hope you find your happy ending. I, too, for many years could write about the happy times, and did. For the next few years, wrote at length about the challenging, but how we work through it times. My adopted child is a teenager now and now, for much more of the time, things are not happy. We struggle to hold onto our family and it isn't a fun story to read or write. I acknowledge the adoption world is a happier place without our story. So now, because I still, truly believe in the good adoption can do and don't want to put anyone off, I no longer write. I wonder how many other there are like me?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-75674610102884911632015-05-31T05:54:04.733+01:002015-05-31T05:54:04.733+01:00Thank you for commenting. As you say those motiva...Thank you for commenting. As you say those motivated to blog etc may come from a challenge perspective and Twitter especially provides a tool for support for many of these families.<br />Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-72415048984632380002015-05-30T13:43:49.899+01:002015-05-30T13:43:49.899+01:00Once again you hit the nail on the head! Boom.Once again you hit the nail on the head! Boom.Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-47117019882538232872015-05-30T13:42:32.764+01:002015-05-30T13:42:32.764+01:00Thank you for taking the time to comment. Like you...Thank you for taking the time to comment. Like you we have had some fantastic elements to our story with Peanut especially sliding into our family life without as much as a hiccup. Also, like you I've never felt they don't make as good a blog post 'hey everything's peachy'. I do try to draw positive out and tell the narrative of our experience that in reality ranges from excellent to normal to difficult. Perhaps I need to try harder.Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-60563069855851940752015-05-30T10:18:43.762+01:002015-05-30T10:18:43.762+01:00what a thought provoking comment. As you say, &quo...what a thought provoking comment. As you say, "the language may reveal the underlying attitude" or it may just be an example of how unconsciously we adopters absorb "social worker speak" into our everyday vocabulary. I have certainly referred to the arrival of our children as their "placement" but I have never for one moment considered them as anything but our forever children. <br />Despite my guest blog on the Adoption Social recently about the sleep difficulties both our two arrived with, ours has been a happy-ever-after experience but I have never had the urge to blog about it and had never, until now, asked myself why that is. We were matched on two separate occasions with healthy babies who had both been in loving foster homes from birth despite being approved for an older child with experience of neglect or abuse. We felt so strongly each time that our children were "meant for us" but nevertheless I see now that I harboured some residual guilt for not taking a child whose early life experiences were not as good and I worried that other adopters would think less of us for it. I know that our real challenges will come when we explore the darker parts of our children's life stories with them as they get older but we are their parents and will do our best with this, as all parents do. Perhaps then I will feel the urge to blog about it. But until then don't be fooled into thinking that there are no happy-ever-after adoptions. I assumed nobody would want to read "they attached quickly, are both meeting their developmental milestones and our eldest welcomed the arrival of our baby with utter love and little signs of jealousy" It sounds like awful parent boasting and who wants to read that? Until I read your article, Eva, I assumed no-one. Thanks for the wake-up call. Amandahttp://www.childsleeppractice.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-31881249234271217922015-05-30T08:20:07.312+01:002015-05-30T08:20:07.312+01:00It's tricky - as an adopter I don't think ...It's tricky - as an adopter I don't think we were prepared at all for the bad bits (and yes, they can be continuous), but I think the main reason you don't read 'happy ever after' stories is that these families have no need to reach out to social media and scream for help! Lots of adoptive families cruise through life as a family, but sadly the reality is, a lot don't. But, I love my boy to bits, we do have good times even if they are few & far between. He has friends and to the outsider (like our neighbours for instance who don't know he is adopted) we just look like a regular single parent family. Some of the problems are that much of the social media side, Twitter chats, websites etc are run by parents who do have a lot of issues so the negativity comes through more than anything else. Keep positive and go for it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-3665780459276383062015-05-30T03:33:03.128+01:002015-05-30T03:33:03.128+01:00There is definitely the happy stories even amongst...There is definitely the happy stories even amongst the challenges. My 3 children are all different with different challenges, but there is so much good there that outweighs the challenging. I blog at joyfuljourneymom.com if you want to stop by and learn more about us. Joyful Journey Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18304499218682220929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-82726297029397092672015-05-29T20:34:04.159+01:002015-05-29T20:34:04.159+01:00My mantra is often "everything will be alrigh...My mantra is often "everything will be alright in the end, if it's not alright it's not yet then end. I always try to find the joy or maybe just the positive when I write my blog, well I always thought I did. Five Go On An Adventurehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04101400705276544874noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-7343411378965949642015-05-29T19:24:36.977+01:002015-05-29T19:24:36.977+01:00I write happy stories! I'm not sure if you'...I write happy stories! I'm not sure if you've ever been to mine - nobohnsaboutit.com but we really don't have any negative issues about which to write... so mostly happy (with a bit of normal kid trouble, but no adoption trouble)Erin (No Bohns About It)https://www.blogger.com/profile/04496750108127543293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-75202613416559080092015-05-29T18:53:16.930+01:002015-05-29T18:53:16.930+01:00I would consider ours a Happy Ever After ending. W...I would consider ours a Happy Ever After ending. We aren't a perfect family, but we are perfect for us and I wouldn't trade the bad days for the world. Our son comes from a difficult beginning and will probably never be "typical" but regardless he is still extraordinary. Is being an adoptive Mom what I thought it would be? Absolutely not! It's harder, but it's better. And that's what I try to portray in my blog and on Twitter. Mama Bearhttp://www.mypostadoptionlife.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-62096838803299710722015-05-29T16:50:44.932+01:002015-05-29T16:50:44.932+01:00I can understand how shocking it must be, to a pro...I can understand how shocking it must be, to a prospective adopter to suddenly be confronted with CPV all over your social media feed and I apologise, as part of The Adoption Social if that distressed you in any way. I think the thing to remember is that there are some families out there living a bit of a happy ever after, not everyone has anywhere near the challenges to deal with, which we talked about recently. Often these families are not seeking the support that some of the online community are looking for. Those that are having difficult times are more likely, at times to be reaching out to others that understand, this may explain why some of the feed seems negative. At The Adoption Social we felt it was important to highlight subjects which are not talked about enough and CPV is a big one of those. However, we agree it's a heavy subject and so we want to do something light and positive for our next Twitter Chat. Inspired by your comments we'd like to propose we do our next chat on "The Good Bits". We haven't set a time and date but I will make sure you know. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and you are right we do need to remember to see the good bits too. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12561624089930362726noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-35509985670115131792015-05-29T13:51:45.443+01:002015-05-29T13:51:45.443+01:00Mr smit!!!! And Mrs C we love u and urs loads, and...Mr smit!!!! And Mrs C we love u and urs loads, and look forward to wobbling bumping bruising payrting celebrating picking Daisy's watching film drinking wine and beers weddings batmitzvah's and the occansional pizza with u all :-) :-) :-) wobble on the the wibbly wobbly years!!!!Colourful carwenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13738570407192585172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-47204009304096626152015-05-29T13:44:18.279+01:002015-05-29T13:44:18.279+01:00You've raised a few interesting points. I rece...You've raised a few interesting points. I recently read a post, somewhere or other, where an adoptive parent described her family as a 'placement'. It jarred and made me reframe all that was said in the post about a challenging time they were having. The language may reveal the underlying attitude. Like all parents we accept what we are given and we do our best. Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-8658025791965382802015-05-29T13:39:04.157+01:002015-05-29T13:39:04.157+01:00I try to bring happy endings, or offer some redemp...I try to bring happy endings, or offer some redemption to my posts but as someone pointed out on Twitter there must be a reason for many of us returning to adoption!<br />Thank you for the comments.Al Coateshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04364194762953045888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3096204059985406542.post-29425097581168033532015-05-29T12:44:43.579+01:002015-05-29T12:44:43.579+01:00I know exactly what you mean and posted what feels...I know exactly what you mean and posted what feels like exactly the same post ages ago <br /><br />https://nomorethantwenty.wordpress.com/2014/09/14/dog-bites-man-social-media-and-the-pre-adopter/. <br /><br />The adoption preparation process, if done correctly, is a series of profound shocks and disappointments. That's if it's going well, and that's probably how it should be if we're being honest. We have now reached a point of peace with it, and know that, thanks to our own reading and extra-curricula activities (including an Open Nest conference that, whilst fantastic, left us with what could best be described as Tertiary trauma!), that we are making a move that is SOO much more profound than simply "becoming a family". That's OK, that's good. What Twitter and social media have done is to share the realities of adoption for all - not every day, sometimes rarely, but the challenges that may happen and at least you know where to go when they do. As a result of your reading you'll be a better and more grounded parent. The people I feel most sorry for nowadays are the prospective adopters we meet (many of them) who haven't immersed themselves in trauma/ attachment and all the crap they may face. The pre-adoption process is not just failing them, but their future families. Be impressed with yourself Eva.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com