Friday 15 January 2016

The Rise of the Adopters

I've had this feeling that's been brewing and festering that then turned into a title for a blog 'The Rise of the Adopters'. It's been a struggle to turn my feelings into words that make sense and accurately express how what's going on in my head. So, I've been reading, thinking, talking and pondering.

Adoption is not a human right, for adopters, it's a choice and a privilege. Adopters come to adoption for a myriad of reasons through different routes, often painful routes, with different expectations, hopes and dreams. These factors all impact on what we actually want and expect. I sometimes meet prospective adopters and I'm nervous for them as we talk and their expectations are shared with me. The views of adopters, and prospective adopters, are valuable and useful but should they be used to inform policy? Of course they should but the weight that they are given is where my thoughts linger. Adopters punch way above their weight in many regards, emotionally, culturally and politically. We rarely see anything other than agreement over adoption announcements in the press? The nation is outraged when we read the headlines:

'Too fat to adopt, too thin to adopt, too old, too whatever'

But as I said adoption is not a human right. However, for whatever reason the dynamic is that adopters are placed on a pedestal as saints and children are labeled lucky to have been adopted by them. Laws are massaged to suit adopters with approval times reduced and the requirement to consider the culture and ethnicity of children when matching removed. Pragmatic realism or pandering to popularist views, we could, and should, argue the toss. But the balance of power remains with adopters. Adopters have a voice. 

Children are given no, or very little choice in relation to their adoption. This is the history of adoption favours the adopter. Children are the victims of circumstance, policy and culture. My children had no choice.

Where are the voices of adopted children?

Though few and far between adult adoptees do have a voice but we rarely hear the voices of children. Article 12 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child is clear that children have the right to say what they think should happen in decisions that affect them and to have their views taken into account. I'm not sure that's what it looks like on the ground.

Of course gathering anybody's views is hard let alone children especially those perhaps more vulnerable than their peers.  All parents know the challenge of weighing what we think is in the best interests of our children with what they want, a challenge that we as a family face on what seems like a weekly basis.

So, what am I saying?

I'm an advocate for adoption but I see that it's a system and model with flaws and for some children and adults it falls short of the ideal. I believe that for many the security, love and safety of adoption is the best option. I also believe that it can and should be better and that it could be different.

To be honest I'm thinking aloud. Adoptive parents fight like lions for their children on a daily basis and we promote the best interests to a myriad of friends, family and professionals. The DfE is investing in the views of adopters through the Adopter's Voice initiative to influence policy and practice. I would suggest that those who can use this opportunity to not only share our experiences but to share not only the experiences of our children but where possible the views and wishes of our children.

Lets be a voice for the voiceless. Let's shout louder.



I've not mentioned first families but as you can imagine I have thoughts. 
This blog was a lot longer but in the interests of sanity I cut it to nothing.

10 comments:

  1. You are right. Every time I speak at a consortium Stage 2 prep course (once every 6 weeks) I ask my 16 yr old traumatised adopted teen ewhat message he would like me to give. I give them his message - it is often not nice and doesn't speak the language of `thanks for rescuing me' .

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    1. Our children's views are challenging. We struggle with the forthright nature of some of them, usually shared in heated moments, and the utter compliance of others. I'm not sure what goes on in their hearts and heads at times.

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  2. I went into foster care many (40+) years ago. Nobody asked me anything or told me anything (except for some lies about how long it was going to last) Why are people still getting it wrong?

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    1. Hi, I wish I could answer that. Systems and procedures do facilitate discussion with children but I fear it is low on the priority list.
      Thank you for commenting.

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  3. Thanks for this. It's a tough one, and so difficult to achieve. Our son finds it impossible to verbalise any feelings or views, it all tumbles out as noise and pain. We have to be emotional detectives listening, empathsizing, mirroring, playing. Our daughter often tells us her views, sometimes whispered, written on a hand or scrap of paper, or shouted out. Often tough messages, that are hard to hear. One thing is clear, is their trust in us to act on their views and needs. It's a big responsibility, and involves much soul searching. What makes it hard, is the mistrust we encounter with professionals, that a child's view does not count unless they have told the professional directly in private. Our children find this hard, they ask why is a stranger asking me mummy? Why can't you tell them mummy, you are my mum and there to help me, these people are scary. Add in attachment difficulties to this, our children's fear of upsetting adults, mistrust of them, but need to be liked by them, and we have a break down in communication. We try and explain this to the professional involved, but there is the sigh and the professional pause, before uttering 'what about the voice of the child....' as if this is something that can't be argued with. And so for us, it feels that a narrow definition of the 'voice of our adopted children' is stifling that voice, unless there can be better training, understanding and trust to develop mediums for the voice of the adopted child to be heard and listened too in whatever way helps them most to express it. At the same time, we try to help our children develop skills and forms of expression so they can communicate their feelings, and feel safe doing that without me, but in the meantime, we need a bridge. What makes it all so hard, is underpinning all of this, is that our children never had a chance to say what they wanted from adoption. It's a mess really, hence my muddle comment on the blog. But, yes I will keep shouting louder... (PS this is from https://hushabyemountainblog.wordpress.com but couldn't get the commenting widget to log me in as this!)

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    1. Thank you for being so honest and it wasn't garbled or a mess so don't worry. I think that we find ourselves in this odd place were we have make sense of what our children are saying and filter in all the nuances and layers that have been thrown over them. For professionals who don't know them that well it's almost impossible to navigate through all of that in a 5 minute chat. It sounds like you're on top of it though.

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  4. There are so many changes that could be made. When I worked in social care so much came down to money. it was heart breaking to be the ones asking a child what they wanted to happen, what their views and feelings were only to be told time and time again "there's no funding for that". Even something like saying they would like to see us more came down to not enough funding for workers Therefore case loads being too high to grant that. Not sure what the answer is but I do feel the emphasis is still on ticking boxes rather than real action and supporting people in a real life way. Vey though provoking post

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    1. Thank you, when I was a student SW I was afforded the time to get to know the children that I was allocated. I realised that once qualified I'd never be given the time to get to know them and play with them only in exceptional circumstances.

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  5. Very interesting - great blog, interesting too how often money comes up in the comments! Another difficulty to throw in without answers sometime when you listen to the children and they are articulate what they say is I want to be with my Birth Parents' and sometimes that is just not possible, or even the best or right, then it seems you have not heard them.

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    1. Of course, when you ask the questions you have to be prepared for all manner of answers and often we cannot give them what they want.

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