Thursday 5 March 2015

Hurt

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

My local authority don't feel that training adopters to restrain their children is appropriate. This is in direct contrast to my unwillingness to be assaulted, allow my family to be assaulted or have my home destroyed.

If you're a Foster Carer I'd say, step back and make yourself safe, they're not your child. You can call the duty team, call the police, call your Social Worker, put your 28 days placement notice in and invoice your LA/IFA for the damage.*

If you're a children's residential worker, step back and make yourself safe, they're not your child. Call a colleague, call the police, call the duty team, go off shift and have a day off.

Physical violence has been a constant feature of our homelife for many years to varying degrees.
I assure you a punch to the face, headbut or kick from a child hurts. Not a one off but sustained purposeful assaults. It hurts my body it hurts my heart. 
I've resigned myself to be verbally abused but I will not let my house be destroyed or my family be hurt.

When our crap hits the fan we need to keep our her safe and the rest of us safe.
We know how to de escalate and the stages that precede violence.
We've had the interventions and therapy.
We also know when the die is cast and it is going to only end one way, violence.

She needs me to be strong and safe but she hates me for it.
Sometimes she needs me to help her control her outside world to keep her safe, to help her control her inside world.

We can't be the only family that sometimes have to hold hands rather than get punched or have our front room windows broken or wrap our arms around a child and hold them close to stop being head butted. It's not pretty, it's not nice but what is our choice.

But if I hurt her then what and what if there's a bruise?
I'm just doing my best trying to keep us all safe.
Increasingly the most common question I'm being asked is "How are you keeping safe?'

There are no courses on how to keep you and your child safe in such incidents and dare use the word 'restraint'.
As I said my LA don't believe in restraint, so do they believe in me holding my child to keep me and them safe.

If it goes wrong and there is a bruise everyone can wash there hands, 'Our policy is that we don't restrain children'. 

I know that this is 'off message' and not the happy ever after, it is not the 'Halo'.

But I can read and each day on Twitter I see careful words being used to describe people being assaulted, intimidated, bullied and having their property destroyed.
Perhaps they sometimes 'hold their children's hands'

If I was being cynical I'd suggest that this blog won't get re tweeted by the big guns, that to acknowledge my quandry and run a course, with advertising and publicity, means that we have to acknowledge the truth in the phrase, 'Hurt children hurt' is more frequently true than we would like to admit, that some adopters get punched.




*If you're lucky

38 comments:

  1. We are right with you. Sadly our house sounds same as yours, you already know you are not alone, so do I. Not sure it helps any of us, although send supportive words and hugs anyway.

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    1. To know that others are in the same situation does help. We start to believe that we are isolated but in reality there are many of us that are experiencing this.
      Many thank for the support. :-)

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  2. Hit a very raw nerve here... We restrain eldest (in the same LA regularly) ... Do we do it properly? Not sure... Does it work? Mostly... Does it hurt me? Both physically and emotionally... Does it hurt him? Must do sometimes... Does it keep us safe? Yes... Does it give him the contact he needs to become regulated again? Eventually... Is there a better way? If there is, no one has told me...
    All we can do is keep doing what we know to be right for our children in the faith and knowledge that we are the experts on our children irrelevant of current thinking or LA policy...
    Standing with you on this...
    5inthemadhouse

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    1. The questions you've asked are the ones that run through my head afterwards. Its mentally and physically exhausting but because our LA's are unsure we feel even more vulnerable.
      Standing together.......:-)

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  3. My little one has been lashing out almost exclusively at me since placed at 1. He's still little, we keep being told it's a phase. Restraint is the quickest way to return to normal but have no idea how people cope when they're bigger...really feeling for you. Our LA has done training for some..

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    1. It's hard when they're little as folks kind of accept it. It's good that your LA trains some though.
      Thanks for commenting.
      :-)

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  4. I hate this but I am so glad it Is being talked about. I have often had to physically restrain my son from hurting us, himself or smashing up the house and It has nearly broken me every single time. I was shocked by how blasé school and SWs were about it, now I realise It's because they don't have the first clue what to do about children like this. And they want to keep It OUR problem. I support any effort to make it everyone's problem.

    You shouldn't be having to go through this, friend. It shouldn't be like this and it Is not right that the la have said no to something that is so necessary.

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    1. So many are experiencing this and find their own way as it sounds that you do. But the theme of isolation and professionals stepping back or 'looking away' seems to be common unfortunately. Thank you for your openness and solidarity.

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  5. Man this stuff is SO hard, isn't it? We "hold our daughter's hand" on fairly regular basis to avoid her hurting herself just as much as her hurting us. She's still small, but that doesn't stop it from bruising and causing pain. I both worry and try not to worry about how it will be once she's a teenager... Thank you for speaking about it.

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    1. It's not inevitable that it will follow to adolescence but helping her to regulate and demonstrating your stance and unwillingness to accept such behaviour must be a good thing?

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    2. You're absolutely correct about it not necessarily following through to adolescence, and we are therapeutically working extremely hard to help her deal with her "big feelings". Our hopes are that by the time she's a teenager, we will have helped her to heal somewhat, and to accept herself and her experiences. Our fear is that the teenage years will just be a whole world of pain. We never accept that it's inevitable, but it's definitely a possible outcome. Thank you again for talking about this.

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    3. Like you I have to temper my optimism and hope with realism and pragmatism. We approach the teenage years with a good measure of trepidation!

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    4. See Dan Hughes "2 handed approach" to parenting, with one hand, you provide nurture, warmth, emotional connection, and help to co-regulate the big feelings, with the other you provide structure and boundaries. Need both parts to be effective. You can be accepting of the feelings underneath the behaviour (sadness, frustration, hurt, anger etc), but you still need to set clear boundaries and limits around the behaviour with firm and consistent messages (e.. Hurting with, hands, feet, words is not safe.... It's Mummy, Daddy etc job to keep you safe), make sure consequences relate to the behaviour and have a role in repairing the relationship (e.g. Doing something kind for the other person), rather than just an arbitrary consequence (e.g. No ipad). Lots and lots of consistency and repetition, whilst naming and labelling the feelings using PACE often goes a long way, but it does take time and a big scoop of patience and self regulation. I wish you well...

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  6. Staff at the Children's Home were taught restraint methods. Some used them, some staff were rather rougher! There were some quite disturbed kids there. From places where violence was the only method of parenting.

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    1. Residential units are a different kettle of fish altogether. :-0

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  7. Ours is now 9 1/2 & exceptionally strong especially during the violent meltdown. We asked Camhs for restraint techniques & were told 'we don't do that'. Having spoken to 'safeguarding' we were told we were doing the right thing. At the time though we await a knock on the door due to the screaming! It's hard & scary but it works & sometimes the only thing that will work to bring calm, even if it takes up to 30 mins. You are not alone.

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    1. Thank you. Some pragmatic professionals give good advice and help but others have different views. It's the luck of the draw.
      Sounds like you're having a time of it yourself wishing you well :-)

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  8. Thanks for your honesty - brave man x

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  9. I walk the fine line between foolish and naive that sometimes looks brave!
    Thanks though :-)

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  10. Thanks for sharing this, I'm glad it's becoming more acceptable to talk about this kind of violence.
    I'm also in the camp that 'holds their children's hands', and asked my LA about a safe holding course...'We're against restraint they said, and safe holding falls within that'. Marvellous.

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  11. It's a circle that can't be squared. I'm sure that most LA's would rather that this issue was swept under the carpet and we all played nice.
    Good luck and thanks for commenting.

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  12. Also living like this, constanly replacing/fixing destroyed items thank god for super glue!! Have recently completed safe hold training privately after asking adoption agency and CAMHS for input both unable to provide it. Always feel better knowing we are not alone as the violence leaves a sense of isolation paticularly with other adopters who have no experience of it.

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  13. I hope we're a minority but even if we remain isolated and this is reinforced by our LA's unwillingness to support us. I'd be interested in knowing about the training you had.
    Thanks for the comments.

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  14. Our LA also "don't restrain children" and have no answer to "what do we do when he's a danger to himself and to others"? We were in the situation where our younger children were witnessing domestic violence from their older sibling towards their mother - my wife. And that's one of the reasons why children are removed from their birth family! In the end we concluded that it was causing huge damage to his siblings and he's currently living elsewhere.

    I found it incredibly difficult as a man. What do you do when your wife is being assaulted? The scope for feeling useless and impotent is huge. And anyone who knows much about men and how they think and feel knows that the impact of that can be immense.

    Not something that was talked about in the adoption preparation course!

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    1. It sounds like a very challenging situation and like you my instinct is to protect the ones I love. I have to question the policy that allows children to demonstrate violence when that behaviour de stabilises and threatens their home lives. Surely, the risk of harm from safe restraint is less than the consequences of irreparable damage to relationships.
      Thank you for your comments and sharing your story.

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    2. I had reason to read an old psychologist's report on my son this morning. It was interesting that he noted on a number of occasions that holding was one of the things that helped my son calm down and regulate - both us and the school used to hold him when he couldn't regulate his emotions himself. As the report went to the Local Authority, I suspect that they must have turned a blind eye to it. Or never read it: either are possible.

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    3. That they'd look away or ignore something that they told you not to do is either worrying or encouraging, I can't work out which one.
      Such mixed messages to parents leave us all vulnerable.

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  15. We experienced a lots of anger, aggression and violence which almost broke us as a family. It was very frightening and I constantly worried that someone would get seriously hurt. It was only when we were taught how to hold our son safely, along with the correct therapeutic responses that things dramatically improved. Part of the improvement I'm sure was that we were no longer floundering around when he got angry, which only fuelled his panic. It is much more about co-regulating than holding. Anger & violence became something we planned for together, named and explored. We haven't had an incident now for 3 years.
    Thanks for writing honestly about it. This subject can't be dodged for much longer.

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    1. You're experience gives hope that training and appropriate use of holding can be a therapeutic response not just a control.
      Thank you for adding your experience to the comments. :-)

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  16. The open nest recommended the trainers they use, partnner and i had a six hour session with a trainer who took a thorough, detailed history of our child, stategies were discussed for de escaltion , triggers were explored etc only at the end of session were we shown a safe hold technique one which partner and i felt comfortable with.

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  17. It sounds like a very positive experience that will help you retain control and safety in your home. The Open Nest have a good grip on this and I hope to glean all I can from their collective pool of knowledge and experience.
    Thank you for commenting.

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  18. Late to the party here, I know, but 'holding hands' is a daily occurrence in our house. Mostly, it's sort of experimental, like 'accidentally on purpose' kicking me in the face while climbing up on the couch next to me. I see the foot coming, not too fast, reaching out until contact is made. It's like he's asking a question, but I'm not sure as yet what the answer should be. Everything that angers him (and that's a lot of things) results in violence at present, to objects around or, mostly, to me, because it seems that when he trapped his thumb in the door, or when his toy train derailed, or when his lego wouldn't go together properly, that was somehow my fault. It seems manageable while he's only four, despite him being tall and strong for his age. I'm pretty strong too. But there's only me, and he's only going to get bigger! I see no issue with safe restraint and imagine that it could well become my only feasible option in the future.

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    1. It was no party at all til you arrived.
      Managing it in younger children brings its own challenges. The violence is not dangerous but we look and think what about 10 years from now. I guess that's the challenge what to do now to try and change then.

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  19. Well done for saying it and yes we restrain our son. I have even had to go into school to explain a bruise he had on his cheek from him flailing around whilst we tried to keep him and us safe. We've never been trained and I found out recently, that the strategy of lying on him on the bed is highly dangerous as he could suffocate. We have been trying to make it less uncomfortable.I think this is the big thing about CPV in association with SW, it's been easy to not believe or pretend it's not happening because then you don't have to do anything about it. I hope you and others writing honestly help to raise awareness. Thanks for sharing on #WASO

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    1. The challenge we all face is that many of us just do our best, however that looks, but PAS are reluctant to help or advise as they feel the repercussions if anything were to go wrong. Hey ho.
      Thanks for the #waso

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  20. Adoption UK just ran a job ad for a worker experienced in CPV, which I thought was interesting, and indicates a recognition for support.

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    1. I feels that it has become more acceptable to discuss and acknowledge. I do question some of the interventions and models and the effectiveness but it is a start.
      Thank you for commenting.

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