Thursday 8 January 2015

Mr Postman

Without doubt some of the most important and significant people in my children’s lives are their biological mother and father. I’ve previously blogged on them describing them as ghosts that lurk in the shadows of our lives and consciousness.

Over the past few weeks other birth family members have begun to step into the light and it has been a very interesting experience for a multitude of reasons.

For whatever reasons we never got the chance to meet birth mum and dad, we said we were willing but it just didn’t come together. Having been filmed for the BBC we knew that we were known to them and had heard through an intermediary there was no animosity towards us. We heard no more for 15 years until this summer when ‘Matilda’ a sibling, younger than Sarah and older than Gracie and Ginger found us.
After the initial whirlwind of discovery slow and careful contact has been made. Culminating a few days ago when Mrs C sat with our children’s birth aunt, a very emotive and profound experience for them both. She was little more than a child at the time of her niece and nephew’s move into care. Hearing the impact that this move and the events and circumstances had on her and the wider family has been a not unexpected revelation. The stories of the lack of information, the differing version of events, the mess and the pain for the wider birth family and the long term damage the removal caused.

In the midst of it all we hear of our annual letters coming to the family, being passed from member to member bringing news and hope.



Mrs C dutifully wrote the annual letters to Birth Mum and Dad, there was a limited response in the early days but even this dried up after a few years.
However, at the forefront of our minds was the benefit that the letters were for our three. So Mrs C persisted even when there was no response.

Thinking now I can imagine what I would write in their circumstance, how to reply, what to say, what not to say, lives lived in stalled grief and continuing pain. What could they write?

Mrs C would agonise over what to write each year, I would watch TV, if I confess avoiding the task out of laziness and confidence in her wisdom and writing skills.
Mrs C saw it very clearly, we're building for the future, maintaining a positive link, offering hope and trying to ensure that a link could be maintained. We were demonstrating to our children our lack of enmity to their parents through our actions.
As the three grew we would show them the letters and they’d help pick photos we included. It was an opportunity to revisit events, reframe memories and bring context to growing understanding. We would promote empathy and respect , listen to thoughts and feelings.

When Sarah got to 18 and having not had a response in nearly 10 years we stopped.

But Mrs C and the Aunt’s meeting this week justified all the work she’d put in; the chore, the conflicting emotions, the disheartening lack of reply. We know now that the letters found their audience and forged a delicate and essential link. We now that they were eagerly awaited and passed from hand to hand bringing news of children lost.

We aware that we are at the beginning of a new chapter and there have been lots of tears. But we are confident that there is no rush our children have their lives to restore and establish relationships with their first family.
I am grateful as I know that for some children and families the hope of contact is incomprehensible, impractical and dangerous.


For us we always knew that this day would come. Thankfully we had already begun to build bridges.

20 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing, I have a little more than one way relationship with birth-family, too. It is good to hear stories that show the impact of keeping the door open.

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  2. For many years the door only swung one way. It has it's challenges.

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  3. We found it so difficult to keep writing when we got no reply. So we stopped. You've made me rethink now. Thanks for sharing this.

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  4. We did it for the children, letting them know that we tough a connection with them was important. Hard work though, so glad now!

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  5. My daughter is a adopted internationally and her situation is a whole different ball game, but I still think it's so important to do what we can now (although next to impossible) 'in case, in case' she has the urge when she is older to make contact (she doesn't now). Well done to Mrs. C for keeping on writing those letters!

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    1. I can image the level of complexity that international adoption brings to links to birth family, country and culture. It's a level of complexity that must, at times, be perplexing.
      Thank you for commenting.

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  6. Such a moving post, important that those letters kept the communication open despite a lack of replies. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

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  7. Thank you for sharing this. I never knew why my birth parents never made contact during my years in foster care - perhaps they did and I was never told because of things they said? Anyway somehow my BM found out I was getting married and she chose that time to push her way back into my life totally uninvited. We tried to bond but since she now doesn't want to see her own grand-children there is no meaningful relationship.

    http://livingworldsedge.blogspot.co.uk/2014/11/how-i-survived-in-and-out-of-care.html

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  8. You highlight the complexity and uniqueness of each story and journey. I cannot imaging the conflict of emotions that you must have to manage as you negotiate such a challenging situation.
    Many thanks for commenting.

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  9. Wow. I confess, I have never imagined the letters I have laboured over and sent to who knows where being passed, epistle-like, from person to person. Gives me renewed impetus.

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    1. I confess that it never even crossed my mind but it was quite a revelation and helped us to reframe the whole experience.

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  10. What a wonderful story. Its a reminder for me of how important it is to 'do the right thing', whatever that may be, in whatever circumstance we're in, even when we get no feedback. At some point, we may find out what the impact has been. Or we may not. But its important to keep doing it. Well done to your wife (and to you both for being the adoptive parents you are!) #post40bloggers

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  11. Thank you for your encouragement. We try to see the bigger picture and in this case we felt strongly about what was right and fortunately it seems to be reaping reward.

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  12. Such a lovely post. I hope that my letters are welcomed, so how wonderful to find out that yours have been.

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    1. Thank you.
      In a birth families shoes I can't imagine receiving such letters. A horrible reminder but a welcome source of information.

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  13. A wonderful story. As an adopted child of the 50's I spent many years trying to find my birth mother... Which eventually did. You may be interested in my blog "Last piece of the jigsaw"
    And you and your wife are doing an amazing job

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I will certainly check out you blog.

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  14. THank you for sharing on the #adoptiontalk Link-up today-- some other parents may benefit from your experiences....

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  15. It is so good to know this. It's sometimes hard to send out all that information and not know how it's being received. But you just ignited hope in me again :-)

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