Thursday 18 December 2014

Just a word of advice

'Just a word of advice'

It's an expression that fills my heart with dread. It usually means that someone is going to offload their opinion about what I'm doing wrong or how I should at least do it their way.

I much prefer advice that I've asked for than advice that's offered unsolicited. I don't take well to the tutting pensioner in the food isles offering wisdom whilst one of my offspring has a freakout over the lack of Peppa Pig shaped ham or some such.

A recent twitter thread highlighted the 'interesting' advice that was being given and how it was being received.




We all come to this adoption malarky on the back foot, our Social Workers are 'experts' and every suggestion or piece of advice is loaded. It's loaded with the bureaucratic authority they hold,  the unspoken reality that they are gatekeepers to what we want and need. So we nod politely and take on board what is said, after all they're the 'experts'. In different circumstances we wouldn't feel so amenable to advice offered but in this case we are.

If we chose not to follow the advice then we perhaps 'hide' what we intend to do.

The experiences and knowledge of others is invaluable but we must weigh it and measure it against our lives, our knowledge of ourselves and our gut instincts. In social work parlance we are experts of ourselves and our own experience. The approval process should lead us to this understanding so we can use it effectively.

Advice and guidance can be life changing and at times has been essential to us as individuals and as a family. But the spirit that the advice was offered and received seemed to be the essential factor. And not just professionals, family friends and pensioners, the same applies to you.

If you want to listen to me, get to know me and have a conversation then you've got a chance of being asked for advice.

We've been given a truckload of advice but standard' advice trotted out from 'standard' professionals is for 'standard' families and 'standard' children.
I don't know about you but I'm many things but it's increasingly clear that I'm not 'standard'.

For the record:

If anyone ever advises me  to 'relax' cos my child is 'picking up' on my anxiety, I will become the embodiment of the exact opposite of relaxed.

If you advise I use a 'star chart' to help her focus on not being 'angry', I might staple said star chart to your forehead.

If you advise that Flossy 'twangs' an elastic band around her wrist if she feels angry to distract her then I'll let her 'twang' it off your wrist to distract you.

And finally, if you advise Mrs C that she has 'control' issues, I WILL NOT restrain her. You were warned.


















12 comments:

  1. Very funny (and serious) rant!

    I will look out for people with star charts stapled to their forehead.

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    1. Thank you, I get quite wound up with unsolicited advice which can lead to inappropriate actions.

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  2. Thank you for raising this issue, the star chart is such a favourite, as I once explained to a teacher Not getting a star on a chart is no big deal for kids whose only sustenance came from liking the ice off the freezer just a few years ago

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    1. Yes, the star chart has broken many a parents will to go on. It just pee shooter against a tank.

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  3. So true, you really need to weigh up advice and it baffles me since becoming a parent how so much unsolicited ill placed advice has come my way!

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    1. Thank you for commenting, it is odd that the minuted you have children, regardless how, people feel able to share their opinion of what you're doing wrong with you.

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  4. Now let me give you some advice...

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    Replies
    1. Ironically, you're on my list of people that I would accept unsolicited advice from.

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  5. We had the morning routine chart brought to us because my son wasn't dressing himself and it was considered unacceptable. Said SW left and it went in the bin.
    Thanks for linking to #WASO

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    Replies
    1. Like all tools they have their place. However, I do know people who try to fix everything with a hammer.
      Thanks for facilitating the #waso

      Delete
  6. Nursery suggested a sticker chart to stop my boy from peeing his pants. I told them it wouldn't work as he didn't respond to bribery. The second and the third time they suggested it, i told them it wouldn't work as he didn't respond to bribery. The 4th time i inwardly rolled my eyes and said ok. It lasted 2 days and when they realised that he wanted to wee in his pants more than a Bob the builder sticker, they gave in.

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  7. Frankly if I was faced with that choice I'm not sure which way I'd go. Thank you for commenting.;-}

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