Thursday, 5 December 2013

Dark Days at Coates Towers

We seem to have been caught in a pincer manoeuvre, the ongoing wrangling with flossy and a shock assault from child X.

I'm being purposely vague to protect the innocent.

With both Flossy and child X we have reached this point for very different reasons through different journeys.

However, both situations are the consequence of trauma, loss and neglect. Both are the consequence of trying to build lives in the world we inhabit without the confidence or surety of solid foundations. Those foundations, the vulnerable early years, were fundamentally sabotaged with security, safety, sustenance and love constantly in short or inconstant supply. So, now the life that is built is at any moment at risk of subsidence or collapse, at the very least it's wonky.

So, Mrs C and I have to face the reality that our love, boundaries and consistency, our training, the seminars, the DHBPBP Method (DanHughesBrucePerryBryonPost) is not going to replace what is missing.
We know we've done our best and will continue to do so, we will continue of forgive, turn the other cheek and love.

We look to chemical assistance for one child, fortunately everyone is an expert, everyone knows someone who extinguished the spark in their child's eyes or brought peace and rest.

Perhaps something more drastic for the other.

But we have to make the decisions and we have to live with it.

We feel like we failed, 8 years for one and 14 for the other of rolling a boulder up a hill only to let it roll back down, again and again.

But our normal is not their normal you can't explain "calm and safe" to Flossy as you can't describe a colour to someone who has never had sight.

Acknowledging that you can do no more can be a place of humility but also a place of grace and freedom.

The shock troops of social care are on the way.

So this may be the best hope for Flossy and Child X


  1. I'm no great sage and I've never been where you are - but from other experiences in my life, I know that time is a great healer. As is consistency from those who love and care about you. From what you wrote, you already know that. I hope things get better soon.

  2. Thank you for your words.
    Hope is not lost.

  3. I hope the lighter days come very soon. x

    1. Many thanks for your wishes.
      By nature I'm a blind optimist so I have full confidence in your hope.

  4. Just found your blog through #waso. Thanks for sharing and hope your dark days are sometimes balanced by light ones.

    1. Thank you. We have to constantly resist the temptation to be absorbed by the negative and overlook the vast expanse of good that we experience daily. We continue to hold fast.

  5. Sorry to read that things are so hard right now - hope you're getting the support that you all need

    1. Thanks, we are fortunate to have a very good relationship with our local CAHMS team and paediatrician. They have been amazing and continue to be and are guiding us through the appropriate steps.